(Let’s Get) Physical: Products to Help Restore My Quality of Life

Relax. Just do it. *mumble mumble* Get through it. Wait… what? 

Hay, y’all. Hay.

Well, I’ve visited a doctor since I had a car accident about a week ago, and have realized my tendency to downplay my ailments and injuries probably isn’t the best practice. I’m still having some strain in my back and shoulders, and while thugging it out has its strong points (because thugs don’t take pills on a regular schedule!), I’ll need more than the meds that I (am not really) taking to get back to that 98 1/2% that I’m usually in. For me, that means expanding my worlds to new horizons.

I’ve been prescribed physical therapy, and I start today. The doctor describes it as a way for me to rebuild my muscles and learn to strengthen and condition them in case some other mess happens to me for my general well-being, but I’ve always seen it as a place where folks get all into my nooks and crannies while throwing medicine balls at me. I’ve watched WAY too much television in my time, but y’all already knew that, right?At this point, I’m willing to try anything once, because these back cramps are not what’s lukewarm in the boulevards. This brings me to the lesson of the day.

Until I’m back into the completely functional mess that I am, I’ll need the help of a few products to get me there. As you all know from previous posts, I’m a huge infomercial head. In this time of, well, I don’t know what to call everything that’s been coursing through my head these days, but in order to lighten my mood, I’ve decided on some products that you may have seen on TV to get me through:

1-The Gopher:
First off, it’s sold by Billy Mays. BILLY! MAYS! Based on the star power alone, I’d buy it. Although we miss him in the ad world (which I am not a part of), his memory lives on in spots such as this. Filled with gems such as “handy helper,” “squeeze and retrieve,” and “suction action,” Mays lives up to the title I gave him as the “hardest working man in infomercials.” Look at the Gopher in action: it can pick up a five pound can of sugar! Five pounds! I’d be able to do so much with that, without further inflaming my core. Plus, with my purchase I get another one, and a magna gopher! I’m in!
Sidenote: What’s the extra one for? In case you drop your regular one? Gopher my Gopher, Gopher! Okay, I’m done. On to the next one.

2- The Ready Reacher
I often drop things I can’t reach, voiceover lady. And, much like your (hopefully paid) actor, I will act like it’s the end of the world, also! I’ve got some wallslides for such occasions, but as I probably should hold off on sliding all willy nilly, the Ready Reacher may be a likely alternative, if I can’t get my three Gophers and a mule. Anthony Sullivan yells of the power of the “super sticky goo pad,” a phrase that I can’t mutter, yet alone yell, without giggling like a deranged kindergartener from Disney’s “Recess.” What this product has over the Gopher, I feel, is the stealth value. I won’t have to bedazzle it like the Gopher to match all of my good outfits, and it’s so tiny, I can slip it in my pocketbook until I’m good and darn ready to use it!

3- Easy Feet
One of the things I’ve been lamenting is how laborious it is for me to touch my toes. Before I try, I have to make a list of why I need to now as opposed to doing it later, and sometimes, I just send my toes a postcard that says, “hey, y’all. let’s catch up sometime!” With Easy Feet, I can catch up with them WAY more often, bringing balance and harmony back to my body. On the outside, it looks like that foot thing that comes with the Body Snake, but as enthusiastic announcer lady says, it’s SO much more! It cleans the top and bottom of feet, between your toes, and provides a rejuvenating massage. I believe in Easy Feet’s power to change the way I bathe. The shot at the end, with the lady in the super luxe bubble bath, scrubbling away with her Easy Feet, may have given me an asmertack. Hey, body. Let’s focus on one ailment at a time, please.

4- Pajama Jeans
This one’s been making its rounds for a while, so I’ll keep it short. I like comfort, but I also like to be ready to go at a moment’s notice. With all of the pain and  heartache that goes behind dressing once, belts, snaps, and all, I feel that pajama jeans are the most logical next step to alleviating it. They work on 4 out of 5 models (hey, isn’t that like the dentist bit? What happened to the fifth person– nutella?). I can wear them while using my Pedi Pistol and be fully enlightened as an infomercial extremist. Seriously speaking:  comfy material + stylish exterior = happy Beez. It’s not calculus.

Too bad I haven’t seen a Skymall catalog lately. I’m sure I could build a house from the comfort of my couch with something outta that.

I’ve been mighty appreciative of all the love sent my way, and though I realize the seriousness of an injury like this, I need this space to shed by brand of optimism on an otherwise quite sucky experience altogether. Thanks for laughing with (and at) me and my shenanigans time and time again, and now the question:

If any of your body parts were out of commission, and you had limited usage, what products could you use to regain daily function? 

Love y’all like Jamba Juice loves to smell like orange pith.

(not too hard–I’m sensitive!) Hugs and Sprinkles,

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The Pedi Pistol: FUH’ WHAT?!

Hello lovely people! Again, please excuse my home. I’m working on being a work in progress, and I’m not finished yet. Like the old song says, “We gonna pitch a wing ding!” What does that have to do with anything? Carrying on…

I think I’ve become a little cranky with all of the changes in life going on: starting grad school in a little over a week, really buckling down on the job hunt, and contemplating bigger things to come. Not to mention, I’ve been trying to learn web design so I can get my “Trading Places” on and spruce up the place. So far, I’ve been failing, and in need of a “Dummies” book. Who has one that’s being currently used as a coaster? Come on, I’m good for it.

As many of you know, because of my late night/early morning schedule, I’m an avid infomercial watcher. Mainly because it’s the only thing that’s on, but also because of the guaranteed silliness that’s sure to come from watching one of these doozies. You know how you get some products that just make absolutely no sense, especially in the way that they’re trying to sell it to you, Well, this week, I present to you the Pedi Pistol:

What’s wrong with this picture? Let’s discuss.

  • “Bending over for a pedicure is tough on your back!” What’s with the opening lines making us sound lazy beyond belief? Gives me flashbacks to the Body Snake.
  • Who uses a home pedicure system… on ALREADY PEDICURED NAILS? We see your press-ons, Miss Lee, and we ain’t pleased.
  • Did that scene of the de-callousing of that same scaly heel make anyone else lose their *insert meal here*?
  • The “extra long arm” used in order to ensure one doesn’t have to bend over… just gives me the creeps. Something ’bout it just doesn’t sit well with my spirit.
  • This thing has too many interchangeable heads. What does it remind me of?
  • Testimonial from a “pregnant” lady. Of course. “After I blowup-tuated and couldn’t see mah feets, this thing with the purty handle let me shape my nails.” One question, though: How’d you get the polish on afterward?
  • “Bad back” testimonial. Again, how can you do the pedicure with no nail polish? I didn’t see the brush attachment in the 5heads setup.
  • “Other” electronic pedicure tools are over $200? Really? In what world? Fuh’ what? *clenches jaw*
  • I love the part when they start bargaining with us. We were gonna sell it for $39.99, but no one brought it then, so now, it’s $9.99, as our gift to you! It’s almost as if they can hear me going, “Nawl, I’m not buying unless you send me some NowLaters, some Red Hot Riplets, and a case of Rainbow juices with it!”
  • Another gratuitous heel filing. Eww.
Considering what this “tool” does, couldn’t we just attach the business end of an emery board to the tip of an electric screwdriver, and make your own Pedi-Pistol? Doesn’t it hurt? I feel like anything spinning fast enough and applied to your feets will result in the hot foots. I’m not willing to take the risk to find out if I’d be proven wrong, though. I may lose a toe. An important toe.
So, dear friends, would you consider this purchase if you haven’t already bought it? I mean, you do buy one and get one free for only $19.99. Do visions of callous-less heels dance in your heads when it’s time to buff? What is the real purpose of this thing? Would you use it on your already perfectly sculpted French manicured, press-on toenails?
Lather, rinse, load the Pedi Pistol.

Hugs and sprinkles,
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Back with a Real Gem!!

Hi all,

I’ve been up to my usual brand of shenanigans, but you know how I have the tendency to find some of the most random products ever? If not, you’re definitely in for a treat. After watching, my mouth was left agape, in a “Did I just SEE this? With my own eyes?” kind of moment. Well, I present to you: Big Top Cupcake!!

Go on, I’ll let you recover.

By far, this is one of the silliest things I’ve seen. A “cupcake” that’s (boom, shakes screen) 25 times bigger than a normal cupcake?!? Most of the time when we make cupcakes, it’s for one of these reasons:
*So you don’t have to cut a big a*s cake.
*So you don’t have to frost a big a*s cake.
*So you don’t have to have a big a*s cake that looks like a cupcake in disguise.

I mean, seriously… If I want to make a big cake, I will, just not under the guise of a super huge (shakes screen) cupcake, with filling!! Notice how the kids look so ho-hum at the sight of the normal cupcake, but once Big Top Cupcake shakes their world, they’re good to go? The little girl even *Homer drools* at the sight of that thing. Also, do you see how awkwardly big those slices are? that’s like asking for a tip on a chicken wing and getting a turkey drumstick. And we wonder why we’re so big!!

But wait, there’s more! You can switch up the flavors on the pieces, and even with the special filling creator, you can fill your cake with pudding, custard, ice cream, or dareIsayit, MORE FROSTING! *squeeeee!!!*

Has anyone out there tried this? How exactly do the 3-D cookie cutters work? They look like poorly constructed paper dolls. I seriously hope that you all got a good laugh out of this, as I have.

Yours in Laughter,

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Oh, We’re Gonna Have Fun with This One…

… as soon as I get rested. For preview’s sake, I introduce to some and reacquaint with others… The Body Snake!!

Random foot-jolly getting contraption free with purchase.

Edits- 3:00 p.m.

Now that I’ve gotten a full morning’s worth of sleep, I can now comment on the ridiculosity known as the Body Snake…

  • Do we have to mention that it’s “Made in America” so many times? As if France or Germany has a problem with people who can’t reach their own backs and feet. An overindulgence of indulgencies, if you will.
  • I’m sorry, but if I have to choose between getting this to wash my feet in the shower or losing weight, I’m dialing *sings* 1-800-*insert year* JENNY! Nuh-uh. I can’t do this. That’s why the guy in the shower was frustrated. He hasn’t seen his feet since Good Times was canceled.
  • The foot cleaner- straight creepy. Looks like your foot is doing something, well, *ahem* inappropriate. Foot washing should be neither fun nor convenient. Don’t bring innocent loofahs into your kinkiness.
  • Like the teacher from South Park who doesn’t trust anything that bleeds for days and doesn’t die, I’m not buying that water will pass through this conniption and never mold. Washcloths: mold. Carpets: mold. Furniture: mold. Natty locks: mold.* Small children left unkempt: mold.** I think you get the idea… that thing will mold, and for $25 too!

Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did!

*No offense to any of my locked brothers and sisters, just wanted to illustrate a point. If you keep yours clean and lovely, you are a lovely soul. :*)

**For moldy baby reference, click here.

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