Master Chef? Probably Not.

So…

As I consistently state on here, I am working on being a work in progress. These check-ins I have with myself are absolutely necessary, because there are some things that I do that make absolutely no sense. Like not a lick. Nann. One thing I’ve noticed recently is my ability to create pretty fine dishes on my own, but when faced with the arduous task of making something pre-made, I eff it up beyond recognition.

I think I’d be able to convince you of this fate a bit better with picture examples.

Around the holiday season last year, I made a caramel apple crisp. Found a recipe, made my own modifications, and start to finish, it looked like this:

We dessert. For serious.

Now, if you give me a Pop-Tart to put in the oven (because, I just can’t justify buying a purpose for buying a toaster– FUH’ WHAT?), I get distracted by something shiny and it looks like this:

Dramatization required b/c it was a cookie dough Pop-Tart.

I make chicken dishes all the time, like this roasted one (that Smithers has called “casket sharp) on occasion:

Can I call this the “Paula Deen is my play granny” chicken?

 Or this curry chicken, whose recipe I got from my good buddy Miss Sara:

And even made up a scalloped potatoes dish. Peelt the taters, made a sauce from scratch, and EVERYTHING!

Forget a Helper. I do this.

So tell me why… the other day I was attempting (again) to broil a steak, following a recipe. Seared it on both sides so it could lock in the juices or whatnot, preheated my cookie sheet under the broiler, and transferred it. A few minutes later while washing up (I just can’t pile dishes in the one sink I have, you know), I notice more smoke than I normally see. A few delayed reactions later, I open the oven door, and see this:

Word? 

My first reaction: MY OVEN’S ON FIRE! AND IT’S ‘LECTRIC! I was gonna take a twitpic, but the sensible side of me said “STOOPID… YOU GOTS A FIRE. A FYE-UH!!” Because I’m inherently dumb, I tried blowing inside the oven (with my asthmatic a*s lungs), until I got the bright idea of opening and closing the oven door rapidly to put it out. It worked, and I pulled out the steak, which was seemingly unhurt through it all. Probably shouldn’t have used olive oil. I just reached for the first I could find.  *Rachel Ray shrug*

Later that evening, I spilled my Simply Lemonade w/Raspberry spritzer into our recently cleaned carpet, dropped my steak knife THISCLOSE to a vital toe, and almost fell in the shower. I blame the debbul. Something was trying its hardest to kill my joy. Maybe I just needed some sleep, and to have ordered takeout instead of being CAP’N SAVE A BUCK.

I’ll learn my lesson(s) one day. Soon.

My sprinkles ain’t smoky,
Beez

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Hold My Mule.

Hi, friends.

I know many of you know one of my favorite pastimes (besides Zelda, infomercials, and Twitter), is scouring the interwebs for my next chuckle. One day, I was looking on facebook, when I found this video last week, posted by a friend:

My first thought: WOW!! Not only did they sing one of my favorite choir songs, but they added corresponding arm movements, and KILLED. THE. GAME. I noticed something in their pronunciation was different, and wondered where they were from. I won’t harp on the obvious, though, because for quite some time, I have been looking at multiracial choirs that sing traditionally ‘black’ gospel offerings. I LOVE it, mmkay? All I can say is the performance was awesome, the tones were killer, and they did just what they were supposed to do.

After a church service this week, I came home and remembered the choir who bankhead bounced their way through “God Is In Control,” and wondered if I could find any other of their selections. Sure enough, YouTube came to the rescue. I found out that they are the (rough translation) Gospel Celebration Choir of Quebec. They have albums out, they cover a wide range of songs, and check out their YouTube page for more offerings besides the ones I post here. That, my friends, leads us to this:

*So Good- I’ve always liked the simplistic statement of this tune: He’s been so good to me, I can’t tell it all. What I will do, however, is let them tell you just a little bit.

*Jesus Can Work It Out- If you play this song anywhere in the Chicago metropolitan area, I’m sure someone can tell you approximately how many remixes have been made. This song was even played on urban radio. While listening to this one, memories crossed my mind of cleaning early on Saturday mornings, with a little bounce in my step, because I believed in the power that the words carried.

Between seeing this and the PS22 Chorus, I am convinced more than I have ever been about the power of music. Music transcends all boundaries. I promise, if you put two people in a room who know nothing about each other or speak the same language, play a song and see what happens. I actually have an experience in this: I took a trip to Europe years ago, and part of this trip included us teaching English to Italian children. When ‘recess’ time came, we really couldn’t think of a way to play a game or break the ice, until I thought of a song I had heard frequently while traveling in the city. All it took was me humming the opening lines, and the kids went bat—t crazy. And there we played, like perfect strangers. Music is the icebreaker of life.

With that friends, I leave you with two more of my favorites in the ‘alternative gospel’ series. Then I need someone to do me a favor, and hold my mule while I shout.

I’m glad I actually go to a church where I get to see this kind of diversity and more. Good people, what kind of music do you listen to, if any, to give yourself a little pick me up?

Saaang, babies.

Hugs and Sprinkles,
Beez

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The Pedi Pistol: FUH’ WHAT?!


Hello lovely people! Again, please excuse my home. I’m working on being a work in progress, and I’m not finished yet. Like the old song says, “We gonna pitch a wing ding!” What does that have to do with anything? Carrying on…

I think I’ve become a little cranky with all of the changes in life going on: starting grad school in a little over a week, really buckling down on the job hunt, and contemplating bigger things to come. Not to mention, I’ve been trying to learn web design so I can get my “Trading Places” on and spruce up the place. So far, I’ve been failing, and in need of a “Dummies” book. Who has one that’s being currently used as a coaster? Come on, I’m good for it.

As many of you know, because of my late night/early morning schedule, I’m an avid infomercial watcher. Mainly because it’s the only thing that’s on, but also because of the guaranteed silliness that’s sure to come from watching one of these doozies. You know how you get some products that just make absolutely no sense, especially in the way that they’re trying to sell it to you, Well, this week, I present to you the Pedi Pistol:

What’s wrong with this picture? Let’s discuss.

  • “Bending over for a pedicure is tough on your back!” What’s with the opening lines making us sound lazy beyond belief? Gives me flashbacks to the Body Snake.
  • Who uses a home pedicure system… on ALREADY PEDICURED NAILS? We see your press-ons, Miss Lee, and we ain’t pleased.
  • Did that scene of the de-callousing of that same scaly heel make anyone else lose their *insert meal here*?
  • The “extra long arm” used in order to ensure one doesn’t have to bend over… just gives me the creeps. Something ’bout it just doesn’t sit well with my spirit.
  • This thing has too many interchangeable heads. What does it remind me of?
  • Testimonial from a “pregnant” lady. Of course. “After I blowup-tuated and couldn’t see mah feets, this thing with the purty handle let me shape my nails.” One question, though: How’d you get the polish on afterward?
  • “Bad back” testimonial. Again, how can you do the pedicure with no nail polish? I didn’t see the brush attachment in the 5heads setup.
  • “Other” electronic pedicure tools are over $200? Really? In what world? Fuh’ what? *clenches jaw*
  • I love the part when they start bargaining with us. We were gonna sell it for $39.99, but no one brought it then, so now, it’s $9.99, as our gift to you! It’s almost as if they can hear me going, “Nawl, I’m not buying unless you send me some NowLaters, some Red Hot Riplets, and a case of Rainbow juices with it!”
  • Another gratuitous heel filing. Eww.
Considering what this “tool” does, couldn’t we just attach the business end of an emery board to the tip of an electric screwdriver, and make your own Pedi-Pistol? Doesn’t it hurt? I feel like anything spinning fast enough and applied to your feets will result in the hot foots. I’m not willing to take the risk to find out if I’d be proven wrong, though. I may lose a toe. An important toe.
So, dear friends, would you consider this purchase if you haven’t already bought it? I mean, you do buy one and get one free for only $19.99. Do visions of callous-less heels dance in your heads when it’s time to buff? What is the real purpose of this thing? Would you use it on your already perfectly sculpted French manicured, press-on toenails?
Lather, rinse, load the Pedi Pistol.

Hugs and sprinkles,
Beez
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Back with a Real Gem!!

Hi all,

I’ve been up to my usual brand of shenanigans, but you know how I have the tendency to find some of the most random products ever? If not, you’re definitely in for a treat. After watching, my mouth was left agape, in a “Did I just SEE this? With my own eyes?” kind of moment. Well, I present to you: Big Top Cupcake!!

Go on, I’ll let you recover.

By far, this is one of the silliest things I’ve seen. A “cupcake” that’s (boom, shakes screen) 25 times bigger than a normal cupcake?!? Most of the time when we make cupcakes, it’s for one of these reasons:
*So you don’t have to cut a big a*s cake.
*So you don’t have to frost a big a*s cake.
*So you don’t have to have a big a*s cake that looks like a cupcake in disguise.

I mean, seriously… If I want to make a big cake, I will, just not under the guise of a super huge (shakes screen) cupcake, with filling!! Notice how the kids look so ho-hum at the sight of the normal cupcake, but once Big Top Cupcake shakes their world, they’re good to go? The little girl even *Homer drools* at the sight of that thing. Also, do you see how awkwardly big those slices are? that’s like asking for a tip on a chicken wing and getting a turkey drumstick. And we wonder why we’re so big!!

But wait, there’s more! You can switch up the flavors on the pieces, and even with the special filling creator, you can fill your cake with pudding, custard, ice cream, or dareIsayit, MORE FROSTING! *squeeeee!!!*

Has anyone out there tried this? How exactly do the 3-D cookie cutters work? They look like poorly constructed paper dolls. I seriously hope that you all got a good laugh out of this, as I have.

Yours in Laughter,
Beez

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Proof That Bacon Makes Everything Better!

Hi all! It’s been a while, but I got wind of something that will make all of the hatred you (secretly) have for me dissipate: Baconnaise!!


From the makers of Bacon Salt.

This is… for the (bacon) lover in you. This jarrr… means I’ll always be true.*

Yep, that’s bacon flavored mayonnaise. Use it as a veggie/fry dip, spreadable sandwich sustenance, or like one fan says, “I would eat that with a spoon.” The website touts it as “… the ultimate bacon-flavored spread. Use it on sandwiches, salads, dips, sauces, chicken, fish, and fries. Vegetarian safe!” It’s apparently Kosher Certified, and vegetarians are happy. Any representatives from PETA wanna speak out? I know you’re out there…

I know most of you are thinking, “Bacon and mayo, that means I’ll just taste and see that it’s good, sweat gratuitous amounts of cholesterol, and pass out before my sugar laden Kool-Aid serving?” Apparently, Justin and Dave (the founders) have gotten it all worked out. Their lifelong dream is to make everything taste like bacon, and with salt and mayo already staples in plenty of households, I’d say their dream isn’t deferred. You can enjoy this bacony-mayo-ey delight with less calories than *gasp* the normal stuff!

[APPLAUSE]

Nutritional Facts

Regular Mayonnaise*

Regular Baconnaise

Lite Baconnaise

Total Calories per serving

90

80

30

Total Fat per serving (Daily Value %)

10g (15%)

9g (14%)

2.5g (5%)

Trans Fat (Daily Value %)

0g (0%)

0g (0%)

0g (0%)

Saturated Fat

1.5g

1.5g

0g

Carbohydrates

0g (0%)

1g (0%)

1g (0%)

So, as Justin and Dave say, “Pick up some Baconnaise and give your cardiologist a break.” If you’re curious as to where to purchase such household staples, here’s the link to the store, which also sells products such as bacon flavored lip balm. Hmmm… I wonder (given I can keep it on from constantly licking it) if I use that on my next date, will that help me find a hubby quicker? I mean, future husband’s gotta like bacon, I suppose. Doesn’t everyone?


Yayy!! Comes in lite too, for you calorie-savvy folks.
Oh, the possibilities! Bacon-salted eggs, bacon-salted fries… I can’t contain myself!

By the way, if any of you have partaken of the Baconnaise (or it’s flavorful sister, Bacon Salt) please let me know how it is. I’m not gonna lie… it sounds interesting. If someone approves it for me, I’m game. 🙂

–Beez

*Bonus points for those who get the song reference.

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