Wait A Minute, Mister Postman. I Think You Forgot Something…

 Hello, Friends.

Have you ever had a day that was pretty much normal until… the end? That happened to me the other day. I realized sometime last week that one of my Netflix rentals (The Proposal with Sandra Bullock Betty White) had not come. I figured the problem was with Netflix, so I reported that I hadn’t received it, got a new one sent the next day, done. AFTER I had watched the video in question and was ready to send it back, I receive a little tidbit in the mail from our lovely US Postal Service:

They cared… enough to not send my vidjo.

This, my friends… has never happened in the 24 years, 10 months, and how many ever odd days I have been alive on this fair planet. Never. Of course, my first thought is “why are they sending me the flap with my address on it, sans video?” Better yet, WHY did they deem it was necessary to send me the Ziplock bag equivalent of a Chris Brown apology bow tie? Seriously, I need to know what the point of it all was.

In the middle of my random outrage, I penned this letter, FROM MY PHONE, and uploaded it to Tumblr. I was mad, yo. Real mad. Shar Jackson.
__________________________________________________

Dear Postmaster: I sincerely regret that my mail was damaged due to a disgruntled Postal Worker. This incident inconvenienced me greatly, because I had to wait DAYS to see The Proposal, starring Sandra Bullock and that douchy guy featuring Betty White. BETTY WHITE, dambit! I expected my mail not only to be delivered in good condition, but also timely. You screwed not only me, but Netflix, by making them look bad.

I understand that mail is frequently damaged because your basement trolls like to rifle through the good stuff before it’s actually distributed. That’s why my mama can’t send me no Florida mangoes no more, ya bastids.

 I completely understand. You’re in the middle of training a new fleet of uniformed dummies, so you sent this piece of a Netflix envelope with my name and address in a Ziplock bag in order to say, “Welp, we tried.” Luckily, Netflix sent the video 4 days ago, and I got my Betty White fix.

I’m sure you’ll screw up again, so as far as accepting your apology, I’d rather not waste that breath of air when you’ll put my electric bill in the neighbor’s box tomorrow. F your existence.

Love,
Beez.

I may have been a bit harsh, but… does this happen in real life, or just to me? Should I continue to write letters for the healing and to get things done? Has any kind of random mailing mishaps come your way? If so, share… I bet this wouldn’t have happened if I was in the suburbs. 

Switching to FedEx for Sprinkle Deliveries,
Beez

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You Need Some Laughs? I Gots The Chuckles

Hey, friends!

Stuff has been getting inexplicably real for me these past few weeks, and I found myself in a bit of a slump. Seriously, it was so bad that even music couldn’t fix what ails me. Not even hits from the Thrillermaker (and you KNOW MJ can get my tushy moving like none other!). Anyway, I did eventually find some things that were able to get me laughing hard. Asthma. (Sorry. Had a Drake moment there.) Wanted to share them with you, in case you needed a mid(ish)-week pick me up:

1- Tuts My Barreh

Y’all? This right here? Kilt me. I’m a sucker for subtitles. Use them ALL the time. Add some Microsoft clip-artsy pictures that pop up at key moments, a guy who thinks he’s the next Koreonce, and it led to me cracking a bit of a smile.

2- Crazy Wedding Entrance Videos:


It’s that season folks. Lots of white dresses being sewn together (or bought at your local David’s Bridal). Somethings old, somethings new, somethings borrowed, and somethings blue are being draped around expectant brides, eagerly awaiting their moments to become “Mrs.” A lot of people still go the traditional route, but these days, with so much room for personalization, couples are taking that route. From the invitations, pictures, and as shown here, the entrance:

This wins basically because there’s Thrillermaker involved. Here’s a close second that would be first if I weren’t blinded :

I sincerely wished the crowd was less stiff. This looked like fun, length and all. I’d probably attempt it. Maybe not for the wedding, but the reception. I’m already planning some custom… *shuts her mouth so you don’t steal my idea*

Moving on…

This site… YESSS!!! I can’t explain it in words, so click here.

 Here’s a hint. 

Let’s see what we have here: 
  • “Solitary soldiers keeping the grind alive?”
  • Gratuitous hip rolling, pelvic thrusting and sexy eyes? 
  • Unexplained kids in the background, looking bewildered? 
  • Ninjas who should’ve never been given teh innernets or a webcam?

Snuffles has my reaction down packed (or is it down pat? Y’all be messing up some sayings.) I’m Ginuwinely geeked.

“Dancing Alone to Pony” has made my day.

That’s all I have. What do you all do to get out of your slumps? We all have them, so don’t pretend like everything is rainbows and Baskin-Robbins. I will send Eeyore AND his gloomy cloud to bring you back to reality.

Love and Sprinkles,
Beez

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Free Chicken- Where do They Get it From?

Well, world, after seeing a rapid influx of chicken promotions from places besides Church’s (where you could ALWAYS get a meal that fed a family of 4 for 2 nights at $2.99), I am maybe one of the few that wonder- what chickens are they using? Where did they get so many from, to offer promotion after promotion? Most importantly, what are they putting in it to make people so darn crazy about it?!?

Exhibit A:

“You mean to tell me we can’t feed our kids?”
-Well, Beez sez with that 5 bucks you could get a pack of drumsticks from the store, season it to your own level of perfection, cook it yourself, buy some fruit for dessert, and still have change. Said children will still be fed– and they bet’ be happy.

Exhibit B:

“That’s false advertisement!”
“Two weeks ago they didn’t have the special either.”
“That’s ok, we’ll go to KFC!”

-I’m not an expert on media, but what did you notice about those videos? I mean, besides the horrible puns such as “crying fowl” and laughing reporters? Yeah, you saw it.

Exhibit 3 (yeah, I know I started with letters)


Note: No dignity necessary to redeem.

Alas, Beez got curious after an influx of facebook statuses to the effect of “Oprah shole’ got a big heart- she givin’ out free chicken, y’all!” , I stumbled upon this website, offering 2 pieces of fresh out the microwave grilled Kentucky Grilled Chicken, with two sides and a biscuit- a $3.99 value- take that Popeye’s! Y’all can’t even keep a tractor trailer in the back with chicken on ice- now the Colonel (R.I.P) has teamed with the most powerful force in the world, the Oprah (formerly known as Orpah) of Harpo Studios, who can rapidly change consumer habits, and “has the power to lay waste an entire industry with a mere utterance.”*

After deciding with the partner in crime (who will not be named due to Beez not getting her waiver out on time-blast!), that we would indeed taste and see if the chicken was grilled, and as a side note, good. The line was going pretty fast, but a woman who entered after us was more than excited for this deal. Among her shenanigans:
She asked a worker there, “Were y’all ready for this?”
Poor confused chicken boy: *shrugs shoulders*
Happy chicken lady: “Well, y’all shoulda been prepared! We ready to eat!”

As she got ready to order: “If you don’t have grilled chicken, I’ll take fried. I just want chicken!”

After our number was called, we bolted for the car, giggling like we stole something.

The verdict: Tastes baked. Or rotisseried. Whatever. It was free. Have fun!

In other news, I bought a Bible. Now I can learn how to be a work in progress (instead of just working on it.)

Next up: The cheap, cloned chicken theory (subtitled: How do you get such big pieces from Church’s for 50 cents?)
–Beez
*Gin Rummy, The Boondocks

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