Grannies Win at Life. Always.

Grandmothers are special. From the time we enter their lives, a bond is formed that can’t be duplicated or replaced. I remember both of my grandmothers fondly: memories of fried chicken, celebrity gossip and talk shows, flood my mind more often than I’d like to admit sometimes. These were the ones who took my side over my parents in any of my tween angst issues. One lived in Florida, and the other down the street, and no matter where I was, whenever I talked to them, I was home. I remember the boxes of oranges and grapefruits sent every winter, picked from the trees in the backyard. They tasted like love.

And sunshine.

Anyway, one thing I really adore about grandmothers is that they can delve into popular culture, and be the talk of the town. No one boos grandmothers like they would cheesy mothers and fathers trying the same thing. In fact, we cheer them on with enthusiasm, glossy eyed at the cuteness they radiate. You remember the rapping granny from The Wedding Singer? She said a hip, a hop, a hippy, and we bopped along. Grannies + Ratchetness = Winning at life.

This is why I’m thankful for YouTube. With the technology offered on phones and webcams all over, we can all indulge in Cute Granny Tricks on YouTube (instead of the usual cat videos.)1

To help you get started, here are a few of my favorite granny videos (some of these have a language warning, so deem them NSFW or KIDS):

  • Rack City Grandma- I had never even heard of this song before this video. In usual YouTube fashion, a teenager is lip synching to this anthem of… whatever, while in the background, the true star shines. Grandma went to work  and hit her cat daddy.

  • Three Six Granny– Grandmother raps along to the lyrical stylings of Academy Award winners Three Six Mafia. She actually catches the flow and all while son does some kind of frenetic twitching in the background. I’m not a big fan of this song, and I haven’t even heard it all the way, but… extreme language on this one. She’s like a dirty version of the Rapping Granny from America’s Got Talent.

  • Granny Walks It Out– Nothing like seeing grandmothers in the moment with the grandkids. At this family gathering, grandma is introduced to the ‘walk it out’ craze of some years back, and her commentary is priceless. I keeled over when she yelled, “AWLAWD- my knees hurt!” and her “this is some GOOD exercise!” line reminded me of something my own mom would say. She was definitely a good sport, even if the grandkids put her on myspace.2

  • Granny Pats Her Weave– Don’t get in this granny’s way when Beyonce comes on- she is trying to get bodied (whatever on Earth that means). Y’all see how she has that back it up and bounce move executed perfectly on that walker? She even strolled around it for a little bit of model walking that would make Tyra Banks proud. 

  • Granny Hitting Usher Moves- Remember back in the day when Usher was a cherubic crooner who only had to worry about what girl to walk home from school? When The Box was still music television we controlled, a certain video featuring 5, count ’em, FIVE Usher Raymonds, jigging across the screen to one of his biggest hits, “U Make Me Wanna.” My siblings and I would watch, memorize, and perform the choreography live from the living room, often arguing over who would be which Usher. I preferred guitar strummer-Usher. Looks like this grandma got her review, learn, repeat on, too. And HIT IT.

  • The Electric Sliding Elder Club- I’d be doing you all a disservice if I didn’t introduce you to some of my favorite dancing elders. Well, actually, it’s a group featuring all ages called Step In The Name of Life (see what they did there?) a community based organization seeking to better people’s overall health, that posted videos of its students learning all of these slides I never knew existed. One day last summer, I stumbled upon their videos, and like anything you shouldn’t, I kept watching. What did I learn? Every song has a slide. EVERY SONG. HAS. A SLIDE. Enjoy!

Dear ones, enlighten me with your zany grandmother tales in the comments- what kind of adorably ratchet, off the wall things do they do that make your day? 


Signing off from Rack City (wherever that is),
Beez

1 Not that there’s anything wrong with cat videos, but I can’t watch too many. I’m allergic, and the videos almost make me sneeze sometimes.
2 RIP, Myspace. We hardly knew ye. Or really wanted to.

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Operation White Cake Just Raised the Bar.

Yesterday, in my usual Facebook/Twitter/Tumblr rotation, I came across a video that might as well had been labeled The Cutest Thing Ever. You see, this guy Shawn decided his girlfriend of 7 years was definitely the one he wanted (No Zukko). They had plans to elope in Vegas then announce it casually among friends soon after. However, Shawn decided girlfriend Colleen deserved much more than that, and in a series of conversations for a year, Shawn recorded details of what would make a wedding perfect for Colleen, then made it happen.

Yes, you heard that right. He planned a wedding down to the details she wanted. Had her dream dress flown in, the family members and friends on location, and the crew of bridesmaids dressed and ready to go. All that was needed was a willing bride. That part would (hopefully) come soon enough.

Everybody in attendance was at the designated spot before Colleen, so those who weren’t in the know were informed that the bride-to-be didn’t even know of this surprise. It was like a surprise party, except with a white dress, new rings, and a marriage license as parting gifts. Shawn threw in some lovely quotables from The Princess Bride as an added touch, and began to pace nervously, awaiting his girlfriend’s arrival. He hoped if she said yes, everything she needed was available, since he even arranged for all of her bedroom furniture to be on-site, in the same arrangement she has it at home. Seriously, this guy needs an award. If not for making me lose my thug at the phrase “Martha Stewart paper balls,” then for having such an immaculate attention to detail when planning what (I’m told) is one of the most significant days of a woman’s life. Colleen is, quite possibly, the luckiest woman on earth.

*cue applause and awwwws*

With the onslaught of surprise proposals I’ve seen recently, this took it up a notch. I’d definitely be down if the man in my life decided to just go for what he knew and plan the most splendid shindig of my life. I’d catch about 50 jigs knowing I’d never get a chance to flap my Bridezilla wings. I’m not saying I have them, but wedding planning just seems to bring out the ugly in some women.

Oh, and here’s the video detailing this day-long journey from girlfriend to fiancee to wife. Feel free to send them well-wishes at operationwhitecake@gmail.com.

So…
Would any of you be willing to

  • plan and coordinate surprise nuptials for your beloved, or 
  • gladly participate if my love decided to pull something like this off? 

Discuss.

That’s love in the air, not sulfur.
–Beez

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It’s Friday So Laugh: The Literal Video

Happy Friday!

Almost the weekend for those of us behind desks, in cubicles, or roaming coffee shops for free Wi-Fi. I know most of you are counting down the hours, minutes, seconds, and heartbeats until your weekend begins. Most of you are already mentally clocked out of work, and looking for activities to bide your time. If you’re in the mood for a laugh, I present for approval of the Hive Dwellers (that’s y’all!), the literal video.

What is a literal video, Beez? you ask. Well, it’s a trend I found on YouTube that basically highlights the truth that often, music videos have nothing to do with the songs. The makers of these videos then superimpose lyrics of what’s actually happening in the video (stage and camera direction included) to the tune of the original song, and laughs are had by all. Or just me. So here, I’ll introduce you to some of my favorites. No particular order.

10 “Take On Me”- A Ha
The creator of this video apparently started the trend with it. I am forever thankful to this person.

9 “Total Eclipse of the Heart”– Bonnie Tyler **Embedding’s disabled, so you’ll have to click the link**
What kind of private school would let in these kind of guys? It started off as Hogwarts, now it’s Lord of the Flies!

8 “Love Is A Battlefield” Pat Benetar
Just wait for the choreography scene.

7 “Ghostbusters” Ray Parker
Yes, the movie theme. My only gripe is the sound is a little faint at times. Or through the whole thing.

6 “Sex and Candy” Marcy Playground
The voice is pretty accurate… I need more ‘mmmmb’s, though.

5 “Just a Friend” Biz Markie
Even works for rap videos, where your butlers walk with gangsta leans.

4 “Hello” Lionel Richie
Way to highlight the stalker aspects of this video.

3 “Fireflies” Owl City
I know a lot of folks hated this song, but I find it special. Love the literal video being frustrated with pacing.

2 “I Wanna Sex You Up” Color Me Badd
I think part of what makes it funny is the horrible singing. Pelvic thrust, right jab, Sosa.

1 “Billie Jean” Michael Jackson
I’m sure you know if there was a Thrillermaker video made, I was including this on the list, right? This was actually the first one I ever saw, and alerted me to the trend. Duh-nuh. Elbow dance!

So, what do you think? Will the literal versions of these songs be stuck in your head like they are in mine? Which is your favorite? If you have any favorites not on the list, feel free to share.

Happy Weekend!
Beez 

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