Turkey Day Survival

Get out the good china; it’s a special occasion!

Turkeys, and cat-naps, and football – oh my! Where did the year go? It seems like just yesterday we were crowded around someone’s television watching the ball drop at Times Square, like we didn’t know it would take 3 hours for it to get all the way down. In a blink, spring, summer and fall passed us by, without even calling the morning after to see if we were okay. November is almost done, and through the icy rain (maybe just here), people are finalizing their Thanksgiving plans. Friends, the holiday season is fast approaching (Shoot, it’s HERE.), and I have been sent with gifts that aren’t gold teeth, frank and beans, and Maury in order to get you in tip-top shape:

1.   Stay in your lane.  Yes, I know it’s nice to try out new recipes every once in a while. I do it quite often myself. Those large family gatherings where mass amount of people are exposed to your science project is not the arena for it, though. If you’re unsure of what to bring to the 50th office potluck this week, stick to what you know. If you tell a friend you’re bringing “Candied Ham Squares with White Chocolate,” those tears are not from excitement;  it’s fear. Bring some sausages in a Crock-Pot with barbeque sauce, or if you’re really fancy, volunteer to bring chips, ice, or plates. Become friends with AllRecipes in your off-time, and subject those people you love (in small batches) to your trials.
2.   Accept your family. Just do it, I said!  When you think of “Thanksgiving,” you think of “family.” When you think of “family,” you shouldn’t be thinking of Olive Garden, because you’ll be gravely disappointed. I turned 25 this week, and it seems that almost instantly, the cries of “when are you getting married/ having kids/ gonna do something with your life besides get all these degrees?” have come like wildfire. Suck it up, come up with concise, stern answers, and grin and bear it. Change the subject if necessary. Compliment Aunt BeBe’s new red ‘do, even though you know it’s a wig. Ignore Uncle Junior’s new girlfriend, even though you went to high school with her. You can’t change them, so you may as well grin and bear it. Just be ready to mediate when the great spades battle of the 3:00 hour come up, and know how to bow out gracefully when it’s time. That brings me to the next point…
3.   Have an exit strategy.  Just because it’s the holiday does NOT mean you have to spend the whole day with the fam.  It took me the longest to realize this evident truth, but c’mon. When you visit home for a limited amount of time, you end up with having to do rounds. Staying 18 hours at TeeTee May’s only cuts into the time you have to stop by all of your friends’ and their moms’  houses to collect a cavalcade of plates. How else are you supposed to sustain yourself through this 4 day weekend? Besides, Thanksgiving evening is the best time to catch a movie, go bowling, or host an impromptu Wii party featuring Michael Jackson: The Experience (oh, that’s just me? Well, you’re invited anyway.).  While everyone’s hopped up on tryptophan, grab your security Gladware, pack up some of that dressing, and tiptoe out like a thief in the night, on the the next house.
4.   Be careful what you post online. The saying is true: “If you tweet it, they will roast.” Wait… that isn’t it? Either way, it’s true. If your dishes make your mom/grandma/significant other  smile and say “Baby it looks good… what is it?” you probably shouldn’t twitpic it to the world. If your variations on certain meals include altering the natural color the dish comes in, keep it in your house and off the tweets. It will be roasted until crispy, and you probably will lose a bit of your #SelfofSteam. Just ask the girl who is known as the creator of #ThatPlate (Note: Zindzi did not make said plate).
With that said, friends, I hope that you all are having a wonderful Thanksgiving. Eat, drink, and share in old traditions while making new ones. Take the time to recognize the things and people you are thankful for.  I hope your day is as awesome as all of you are. Now pass the peas, like we used to do.
Love and turkey (or tofurkey) shaped sprinkles,
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Whatever Wednesdays: Jon and Kate… Plus a Big Debate?

Excuse the crude depiction à la Perez Hilton, but I have no photo skills. Step 1: done.

By now, everyone has heard the “news,” though it’s still up for grabs whether everyone should know. Jon and Kate Gosselin, of the reality show “Jon and Kate Plus 8,” made a “big announcement” on Monday evening, which I’m sure many tuned in to watch, though we all kind of knew what it was. Being a non-regular watcher of the show, meaning it was maybe my third time total, I was rooting for them. The adorable kids in their Crooked Houses (which, by the way, are costly! From the website: Most of our uniquely designed children’s custom playhouses start at $5000 – with our standard playhouses starting at only $1249.) Only- Heh. We could see the obvious tension between the parents, and it felt kind of awkward watching, kind of like that Family Guy clip: Horton Hears Domestic Violence in the Next Apartment and Doesn’t Call 911.

As sweet as the 30 minute “commercial” for Crooked Houses, and seeing the excitement of the little ones (who she show was originally about, right? I thought it was best to remind everyone, since the focus has definitely shifted.), the mood was different simply because everyone was on edge waiting on the big announcement. Sooner or later, it was here: they decided to separate, in their words. Blah blah blah, I don’t hate the other person, blah blah blah, it’s all about the kids… and then the ominous black screen that says as of June 22, legal proceedings began to dissolve their marriage- a bit different than “separating,” eh? The sad thing is that, because the whole world has had a front row pass to their marriage’s untimely demise, everyone has an opinion. Sure, we can say she emasculated him, treated him like crap, he didn’t have a backbone, they were doomed from the start, or whatever the case is, I don’t really care. The sad part is that the unwilling parties in this (ie, the CHILDREN) have taken a backseat to this media blitz in favor of the “he said, she said” kind of coverage.

I feel bad for the kids though. When they look back on this, their memories of their crooked houses may be overshadowed by their parents’ split, especially after seeing this episode years later or so. It’s gonna be complicated for them. The younger ones are kind of too young to understand it, but the twins are going to have more of a struggle with it. I really wish that they would’ve said eff the show for now to work on whatever issues they had, instead of as Kate said, filming because “the show must go on.” Not really, it mustn’t. I feel bad for broken families, especially one of that size. Since it’s not really my place to have an opinion, being that I’ve only watched the show a few times, I’ll label it as a “Whatever Wednesday.” Divorce? Whatever. Work on the family.


What about us, yo?
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(That’s Just) Everyone’s Baby Daddy

Oh, people, I swear sometimes, this news just comes to me, like an epiphany (shouts to Chrisette)… Anyway, there’s a guy in Tennessee who’s been making his rounds, literally. Desmond “Fertile the Turtle” Hatchett, all of 29 years old, had a pretty rough day in child support court. Rough only because he had 11 appearances, due to cases for 15 of his 20 (on paper, but may just be 21) children…

Here’s the link to the story.

[Lil Jon Voice] WHATTTTTTT?!?!? [/Lil Jon Voice]

Just to give you a recap of some of the facts gathered:

  • 21 kids, in Knoxville TN (Just make sure you get a goooood look at the pic below, ladies, if you happen to travel there.)
  • Works a minimum wage job, and by TN law, child support can’t take more than 50% of his paycheck, which after divvied between a billion 20 something kids, leaves the mothers with less than a whopping $2 a month. What can you feed a child with that?
  • The children’s ages range from newborn to 11 years old. Turtle was definitely gettin’ it poppin’ (and not like Mr. Brown). He even claims that he had 4 kids in one year- twice. *Why, Lawd… Why???* His only explanation? “It just happened.”
  • Sir Fertileness also states that he is done having children. Why, pray tell, could he have not been done, hmm, about 15-19 births ago?

Facts Stuff I gathered based on this “evidence”:

  • He’s not very bright. And now he’s the babydaddy of Knoxville.
  • The women he procreated with weren’t very bright, either. How do you sit, stand, or lay with a man that you know has enough kids to make up 3 Quidditch teams? **for those unfamiliar with Potter, Quidditch teams usually have 7 players, pre-injuries.** For real though, he couldn’t have sat next to me on the bus, or paid for lunch. Get thee away, ol’ Professional Copulation Expert!
  • Times like these make me kind of understand why some folks push for sterilization so passionately. When all you can offer as an answer is “It just happened,” you should have had the right to knowingly or unknowingly create children ages ago.
  • Our sense of family is seriously on the decline. We need to get better, world.
  • The real victims in this: the children. 🙁 Their standard of life will always be shortchanged, since I’m sure (not being a jerk about it, but just saying) none of the parents involved have past a high school education- hence the reason that Dad works minimum wage and can only give you 2 bucks a month to split with your brother. Mom’s probably working about the same rate, so who foots the bill? We already know who… I pray that their lives turn out better than what I assume will be.

Who that ee-uh?
That’s just errrbody baby daddy!

Consider this a Public Service Announcement.

Responsibly Yours,

PS- Happy Birthday to my little buddy Ollie, who’s celebrating her 1st birthday today!!

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