Operation: Situation Moisturization

*peeks in*

Hey, y’all. How’s everyone been?

*ducks cat being thrown at me*

Now, who did that? *straightens collar* Anyway, I just wanted to check in since it’s been a while. Tax season’s winding down, and my new gig (as Nanny McBeez– more on that later) keeps me plenty busy. The reason I’ve come today is because I’m going through quite an awkward phase with my hair.

You know I have my views on embracing the natural beauty within and all that gobbledygook, but for some reason, my hurr has not been complying. I’ve been experiencing 5 seasons of dryness and 7 whole days of shedding. My roommates may quit living with me, because with my hair falling out left and right, we might don’t make it much longer. 🙁

I have some theories as to why this has happened…
*Winter is over, and now it’s relenting for all the dryness I subjected it to by keeping the heat on.
*Spring is near, and my ends just need a trim like Tiger Woods needs to not be in the news.
*I’m going bald. And this is just the first of many awkward stages. Help me, Gaga.

Because I don’t like my hair falling out in clumps and stuff, I’ve been tryna “moisturize my situation,” as (P.?) Diddy coined in the Proactiv ads of years past, in order to restore my hair to its full glory. Spring’s coming, and I’ve gotta let my soooooOOOOOUUULLLLL GLOOOOOWWW!

Feeling oh, so silky, smooth.

So far, I have taken the following steps (with minimal results):
*Washed my hair and slept in a cap of deep conditioner. Result: Crunchy dry mess.
*Washed my hair the next day, slept in a cap of deep conditioner + olive oil. Result: Dry shiny mess.
*Upped my moisturization to twice a day. Result: my hair going #nomnomnom, but otherwise, still dry.
*Two-strand twisting my hair and letting it alone for a while (my usual “let your hair saddown” style). Result: crunchy twists (not to be confused with cheetos).
*Pseudo-trimming my ends, because yet and still, I don’t trust myself with scissors. Result: A little less breakage, but breakage nonetheless.

Did I mention I’ve done all of this over the past week?


Girl, I got nothing for you. Ooh- a Kermit! Rah rah, ooh la la…

So anyway, I’m at a crossroads of sorts. All signs say “get thee to a stylist” but all cheapness/brokeness says “you havent tried everything the world has to offer.” Now, I solicit you, fair reader(s). Any products/styles that you use for special “pimp my hair” situations? Any routines you suggest for me? I’ll post pics when I’m back at home, but the madness must end. Uh.mee.juh.lee!

Yours in Dryness,

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(That’s Just) Everyone’s Baby Daddy

Oh, people, I swear sometimes, this news just comes to me, like an epiphany (shouts to Chrisette)… Anyway, there’s a guy in Tennessee who’s been making his rounds, literally. Desmond “Fertile the Turtle” Hatchett, all of 29 years old, had a pretty rough day in child support court. Rough only because he had 11 appearances, due to cases for 15 of his 20 (on paper, but may just be 21) children…

Here’s the link to the story.

[Lil Jon Voice] WHATTTTTTT?!?!? [/Lil Jon Voice]

Just to give you a recap of some of the facts gathered:

  • 21 kids, in Knoxville TN (Just make sure you get a goooood look at the pic below, ladies, if you happen to travel there.)
  • Works a minimum wage job, and by TN law, child support can’t take more than 50% of his paycheck, which after divvied between a billion 20 something kids, leaves the mothers with less than a whopping $2 a month. What can you feed a child with that?
  • The children’s ages range from newborn to 11 years old. Turtle was definitely gettin’ it poppin’ (and not like Mr. Brown). He even claims that he had 4 kids in one year- twice. *Why, Lawd… Why???* His only explanation? “It just happened.”
  • Sir Fertileness also states that he is done having children. Why, pray tell, could he have not been done, hmm, about 15-19 births ago?

Facts Stuff I gathered based on this “evidence”:

  • He’s not very bright. And now he’s the babydaddy of Knoxville.
  • The women he procreated with weren’t very bright, either. How do you sit, stand, or lay with a man that you know has enough kids to make up 3 Quidditch teams? **for those unfamiliar with Potter, Quidditch teams usually have 7 players, pre-injuries.** For real though, he couldn’t have sat next to me on the bus, or paid for lunch. Get thee away, ol’ Professional Copulation Expert!
  • Times like these make me kind of understand why some folks push for sterilization so passionately. When all you can offer as an answer is “It just happened,” you should have had the right to knowingly or unknowingly create children ages ago.
  • Our sense of family is seriously on the decline. We need to get better, world.
  • The real victims in this: the children. 🙁 Their standard of life will always be shortchanged, since I’m sure (not being a jerk about it, but just saying) none of the parents involved have past a high school education- hence the reason that Dad works minimum wage and can only give you 2 bucks a month to split with your brother. Mom’s probably working about the same rate, so who foots the bill? We already know who… I pray that their lives turn out better than what I assume will be.

Who that ee-uh?
That’s just errrbody baby daddy!

Consider this a Public Service Announcement.

Responsibly Yours,

PS- Happy Birthday to my little buddy Ollie, who’s celebrating her 1st birthday today!!

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