(Let’s Get) Physical: Products to Help Restore My Quality of Life

Relax. Just do it. *mumble mumble* Get through it. Wait… what? 

Hay, y’all. Hay.

Well, I’ve visited a doctor since I had a car accident about a week ago, and have realized my tendency to downplay my ailments and injuries probably isn’t the best practice. I’m still having some strain in my back and shoulders, and while thugging it out has its strong points (because thugs don’t take pills on a regular schedule!), I’ll need more than the meds that I (am not really) taking to get back to that 98 1/2% that I’m usually in. For me, that means expanding my worlds to new horizons.

I’ve been prescribed physical therapy, and I start today. The doctor describes it as a way for me to rebuild my muscles and learn to strengthen and condition them in case some other mess happens to me for my general well-being, but I’ve always seen it as a place where folks get all into my nooks and crannies while throwing medicine balls at me. I’ve watched WAY too much television in my time, but y’all already knew that, right?At this point, I’m willing to try anything once, because these back cramps are not what’s lukewarm in the boulevards. This brings me to the lesson of the day.

Until I’m back into the completely functional mess that I am, I’ll need the help of a few products to get me there. As you all know from previous posts, I’m a huge infomercial head. In this time of, well, I don’t know what to call everything that’s been coursing through my head these days, but in order to lighten my mood, I’ve decided on some products that you may have seen on TV to get me through:

1-The Gopher:
First off, it’s sold by Billy Mays. BILLY! MAYS! Based on the star power alone, I’d buy it. Although we miss him in the ad world (which I am not a part of), his memory lives on in spots such as this. Filled with gems such as “handy helper,” “squeeze and retrieve,” and “suction action,” Mays lives up to the title I gave him as the “hardest working man in infomercials.” Look at the Gopher in action: it can pick up a five pound can of sugar! Five pounds! I’d be able to do so much with that, without further inflaming my core. Plus, with my purchase I get another one, and a magna gopher! I’m in!
Sidenote: What’s the extra one for? In case you drop your regular one? Gopher my Gopher, Gopher! Okay, I’m done. On to the next one.

2- The Ready Reacher
I often drop things I can’t reach, voiceover lady. And, much like your (hopefully paid) actor, I will act like it’s the end of the world, also! I’ve got some wallslides for such occasions, but as I probably should hold off on sliding all willy nilly, the Ready Reacher may be a likely alternative, if I can’t get my three Gophers and a mule. Anthony Sullivan yells of the power of the “super sticky goo pad,” a phrase that I can’t mutter, yet alone yell, without giggling like a deranged kindergartener from Disney’s “Recess.” What this product has over the Gopher, I feel, is the stealth value. I won’t have to bedazzle it like the Gopher to match all of my good outfits, and it’s so tiny, I can slip it in my pocketbook until I’m good and darn ready to use it!

3- Easy Feet
One of the things I’ve been lamenting is how laborious it is for me to touch my toes. Before I try, I have to make a list of why I need to now as opposed to doing it later, and sometimes, I just send my toes a postcard that says, “hey, y’all. let’s catch up sometime!” With Easy Feet, I can catch up with them WAY more often, bringing balance and harmony back to my body. On the outside, it looks like that foot thing that comes with the Body Snake, but as enthusiastic announcer lady says, it’s SO much more! It cleans the top and bottom of feet, between your toes, and provides a rejuvenating massage. I believe in Easy Feet’s power to change the way I bathe. The shot at the end, with the lady in the super luxe bubble bath, scrubbling away with her Easy Feet, may have given me an asmertack. Hey, body. Let’s focus on one ailment at a time, please.

4- Pajama Jeans
This one’s been making its rounds for a while, so I’ll keep it short. I like comfort, but I also like to be ready to go at a moment’s notice. With all of the pain and  heartache that goes behind dressing once, belts, snaps, and all, I feel that pajama jeans are the most logical next step to alleviating it. They work on 4 out of 5 models (hey, isn’t that like the dentist bit? What happened to the fifth person– nutella?). I can wear them while using my Pedi Pistol and be fully enlightened as an infomercial extremist. Seriously speaking:  comfy material + stylish exterior = happy Beez. It’s not calculus.

Too bad I haven’t seen a Skymall catalog lately. I’m sure I could build a house from the comfort of my couch with something outta that.

I’ve been mighty appreciative of all the love sent my way, and though I realize the seriousness of an injury like this, I need this space to shed by brand of optimism on an otherwise quite sucky experience altogether. Thanks for laughing with (and at) me and my shenanigans time and time again, and now the question:

If any of your body parts were out of commission, and you had limited usage, what products could you use to regain daily function? 

Love y’all like Jamba Juice loves to smell like orange pith.

(not too hard–I’m sensitive!) Hugs and Sprinkles,

Subscribe. You know you wanna.

I’m Still Working…

… on being a work of progress. (c). me

How are you folks? Doing good? Great!

Few updates for you all:

  • I own this space! Instead of “Beez and Honey,” we’re now going to go with “Beez & Hunny.” You can find me in the webz at http://www.beezandhunny.com
  • Because of the domain change, I wanted to design a new layout and such, but CSS is kicking my butt with a cleat and I ain’t have time for all that pretty darn difficult, so I’m going to try a few other ones for a bit, until I find one that really works for me. 
  • I start grad school one week from today! Yep, that happened fast. You’ll see me holy dancing across the stage soon enough, in 2012 or so. We’ll see how fast they let me. 
  • I plan on moving before the end of the year, to a big city that’s not too far from where I am now. Considering that there are about 3 or 4 cities within a 200 mile radius, there’s a few ways this guessing game could go. This change is mostly for pursuing a career. I want to get into more nonprofit work, and eventually into nonprofit management/consulting. Positioning myself in a place with more opportunities, uh… just makes sense. 

I’m falling over in my soup about now, and don’t have much of a ponytail to tie my head to the wall. I leave you all with well wishes, and let me know how things are going in your neck of the woods, too!

Love and Sprinkles,

Subscribe. You know you wanna.

I Am Insane.

Hello all!

Hope that everything has been going well in each of your lives. Mine has been going at the pace of a big, rolling Goron. Sorry if you don’t get the reference– that just means you’re not a Legend of Zelda player! There’s a lot going on in my life, which I will get to soon enough, and changes are coming soon. Very soon if I ever figure out what I’m doing. I think I just bit off a bit more than I can chew at the moment, but I’m determined to finish it. Believe that. Although, while I surround myself with “for dummies” tutorials and the like, I will probably have this place looking like a disaster site. Fair East Side High, indeed.

In the meantime, you can always find me on twitter, ranting, raving, and roasting with the best of them.

In closing, since I really don’t want to use an “Under Construction” sign, I’ll leave you with a picture of something hilarious. Check in and let me know how you are!

Love and Sprinkles,

He called my bluff- dang.
Subscribe. You know you wanna.

Paula Deen: Unwrapped

Heyyyy everyone! *waves like a madwoman*

I have reached an epiphany. I’ve finally seen the light, and tasted to see that the Kool-Aid is good. Wait… what was the question again? Oh.

Anyway, the topic of one of my favorite people ever, Miss Paula Deen (aka My play-Granny), came up, and as always, I had my Southern drawl in my back pocket, ret ta go! All of a sudden, a thought came to me: What if Paula Deen had not been born and raised in Jaw-juh, and the southern accent + hospitable host thing was just a sham? After a quick check on Wikipedia, and cross referencing with material on the Food Network’s website (should just be renamed Paula’s House, IMO), I did confirm that Ms. Deen *swoon* was indeed dirty south mind blown dirty south bred… catfish fried up dirty south fed… sleep in a cot pickin’ dirty south bed…1

Then, the fun began.

But… what if? I dreamed up some ridiculous situations, placing my beloved Miz Paula’s place of origin in such places as Australia, Canada, and even Mexico. I then realized that the most ridiculous place that I could imagine Paula’s born turf is right in NE America: New Jersey. What if Paula spent her adolescence fist-pumping along the Jersey Shore, instead of preparing for debutante balls? What if she sounded more like Fran Drescher, instead of the lovable southern gramma we know her as? What if she were a Long Island (yeah, I know it’s in NY) Lolita instead of a Georgia Peach? Would you love her then?


So the tan ISN’T from laying hours outside with the sweet tea?!

[photo courtesy of the Food Network]

If I were in charge of the (fake) Paula’s press, the Wikipedia article would be as follows:

Paula Deen (born Claudia Francesca DiBucci on January 19, 1947) is an American cook, restaurateur,author, Emmy Award-winning television personality, and all around bag of awesome.

Deen resides in Savannah, Georgia, where she owns and operates The Lady and Sons restaurant with her sons, who people only check for just to see their mama. She has also published five cookbooks. 92.48% of the recipes contained in all of the cookbooks include some byproduct of butter, which gains her gajillions of fans each day. She continues to use the surname Deen from her first marriage professionally, although she married some schmuck a few years back whose last name contains no “POW!” factor, and is therefore deemed irrelevant.

Claudia was born around the corner from the New Jersey Devil. She grew up eating in diners, as New Jersey does not have any kind shortage of them at all, and it was at the Wing and a Prayer Diner2 that she found her calling. A frequent customer/part-time busboy, Frank Magoo (who was quite nearsighted and had bad hearing), often called Claudia by the wrong names, usually yelling at the top of his lungs. One day, when demanding Claudia for beans, he said, “Paula… Deen (like a bell ringing)!” and she began to draft her escape plan.

As documented in official sources, DiBucci claims to have suffered from agoraphobia and would not leave her house. Could you blame her though? She was in Jersey. *fist pumps* She is a proficient Southern cook, a talent she used to help her deal with her condition, and also to stack that cheese and get out of dodge ASAPtually. In 1986, she felt well enough to take a job as a bank teller, where she and three of her friends proceeded to lead a string of successful bank robberies, otherwise, setting it off. After that she and her sons moved to Savannah, by way of Greyhound. She legally changed her name to Paula Deen, and began a catering service, never to be known as Claudia again. She made sandwiches and other meals, which her sons Jamie and Bobby delivered, since they weren’t going to make Thriller or anything.

Fame didn’t take long at all to reach Lady Paula. When Paula blew up, she blew up expeditiously. These days, Paula’s face is everywhere, from her signature line of cookware to the cakes in the Walmarts. She’s got more pages with her name on it than the law should allow. She found Bad Boy’s basement, then cooked a good Southern meal for its inhabitants (They later got the itis, and didn’t get a chance to escape. #SucksToBeYouHomie). She will be here from sea to shining sea, so if you harbor any resentment towards her charm, her style, or her ability to make deep fried butter sound like the most awesomefreakindelicious thing ever, you might as well trade the frown for a spot on a VH1 “love” show. Good night and good luck.

And that…is just proof that I’m long overdue for rest.

Hoping to Catch You in Hibernation,


1- Ludacris, “Throw Dem Bows”

2- From Tyler Perry’s “The Family That Preys”

Subscribe. You know you wanna.

We Have Some Serious Catching Up To Do…

Okay, okay, I’m off of that whole self-imposed blogging sabbatical now. Do you still love me? Will you still care? Will you be there?

So, anyway, my life has been full of a billion changes, all in the last week or two. I moved into a three bedroom condo with two strangers, and so far, it’s been a blast! I’m the youngest one here (which never happens in my real life), so I try and stay out of my normal mode of shenanigans… we’ll see how long the honeymoon lasts. Babybear and mommy moved to Texas with poppy, and I went along for the ride. Two days in a car + 2 days on a train back home = a very irritated Beez, I tells ya. The only thing that saved me from throwing somebody’s mams off of the train was Twitter. Even then, it was rather patchy, going through the hills and mountains and countryside. My tweets chronicled my life in the slow moving metal box. Butterfly Charlie found great enjoyment from them. I feel that you all would too. Here’s a little sampling (for more hilarity follow me on Twitter @BeezHunny.):

*St. Louis. White Castle. #NomNomNom. And away we goooo!

*Can all those Meramec Caverns signs be counted as “road spam?”

*Everything in Oakleehomer is named after Will Rogers. Is he the Patron Saint of cowboy-ism? #AiJusWannaNoe

*The baby licked her mom’s toast this morning, all for the quest to jelly. I may have to rethink this wanting chilluns thing. #EWW

*Sign #965.23 that you’re in Bumf*ck, Nowhere: Signal going in and out. Battery wasting itself finding one. Streetside cemetaries.4:28 PM Oct 16th from mobile web

*I see cacti patches. and red clay. and houses on big hills and sh*t.
Winters TX. Speed Limit 35 AND it smells skunky. *facepalm*

* When we first crossed the state line, a sign said “The Eyes of Texas are Upon You.” I kinda believe it. #Scary

*Do deer ever jump out at you like the sign suggests? #IAmSleepy

* *hits head repeatedly on seat in front of me*

* I don’t have a fork. I’m starving (kinda), and my head hurts like I’ve been hit with a truck. Time to rough it, I suppose.

*Ugh… make your kids shut up, people who just got on in Austin. People is trying to sleep. Give em whisky, tranquilizer…

*Seriously. These heathuns are excited abou the train, and spent minutes going “FOOTRESTS?!? AWESOME!!!”

*Worse of all, they choose to sit. right. behind. me. I’m gonna ring the alarm. Or their necks.

*Yes, the family has moved to the People who are traveling together section! Jesus loves me!

*I still see cactuses #YeahIKnowItsCacti , so I thinks I’m still in the south.


*I’m stuck on this Amtrak sit-tin in a cold seat, kids gettin on my nerrrvess. Goin’ outta my mind I thought I’d be fine, I think I’ma choke

*Really? You just gon’ start hummin spirituals like that? I assumed I was on Amtrak, not Amistad- #SHURRUP

*That was, quite possibly, the worst effing hot dog in my hot dog eating history. My stomach will revolt soon, I just know it…

*Marshall, TX is NOT a smoke break. Soon I’ll been in Texarkana?!? Is that like Bennifer?

*Somebody farted. On this train. Bad bizness, son. I’m about to fight on principle… #NOSHTY

*Texarkana? Is this real life, like a real word?!? #BOOLSHEET

*Next up: Arkadelphia, Brangelina’s second home. :*|

*I’m cold. and hungry. and I can’t sleep. and I hit my foot on the damb footrest. #COMEONGOODTIMES #INEEDYARETTNOW

*LL Bean + LL Cool J = LL Cool Beans.

*My, what a crowded bus this is… Who has time to be ignorant when I’m competing for oxygen? #TRAILWAYSFAILWAY

*Finally back, after 4 days, numerous hours, and plenty of minutes… I need to shower from head to toe.

*I haven’t been on here in a while, but I’ve finally washed myself hair to toes, and feel like I’ve been rebirthededed.

From these tweets, you’ll soon enough find out that (a) I get bored easily and (b) I say a lot of random stuff, even resorting to making up my own words. I hope you can still love me and forgive me for this little display of foolery.

Now that I’m up to speed, how have you all been?

Take care,

Subscribe. You know you wanna.

Yep, I’m still alive. Homesick, but still alive.

I’m really not a bad person. I saw an engagement today after Bible study and didn’t cry! Actually, I had a bit of dust in my eye, but the secret gangster in me I decided to high five people instead of openly sob. I believe they’ll have a great marriage. I just honestly haven’t had the time to give a decent update in recent days. In between packing and whatnot, I got a call to temp full time for a while at the University, which started today. That left me the weekend to begin picking up the broken pieces of my heart packing, though I’m still in denial that I even have to do it… I kind of feel like the kids in Recess, from this episode.

I…shall not, I shall not be moved. I… shall not, I shall not be moved.
Apartment 301 has become my Old Rusty. My refuge when I was sick, and my hideaway when I didn’t want to be bothered. It was my home for 3 years, and heck, it felt nice to call one place home for so long… Moving around so much when I was younger left me with some kind of thing with stability. Although sometimes I couldn’t stand being here as witnessed by my weekly rants of “I can’t stand this forkin’ house!!!” I guess I’ve placed more emphasis on this than I thought I had, and it’s really just hitting me now. I’m actually feeling homesick for a place that wasn’t technically a home. For me, home’s always been “where your stuff is.” Now, home’s where my stuff and heart fight for the extra bedroom space, and I’ll miss it. 🙂

I’m sure I’ll be okay without my Old Rusty. And even when I miss it, I’ll still have the memories.

Off to bed, my sleep schedule is also forked.

Subscribe. You know you wanna.

Proof That Bacon Makes Everything Better!

Hi all! It’s been a while, but I got wind of something that will make all of the hatred you (secretly) have for me dissipate: Baconnaise!!

From the makers of Bacon Salt.

This is… for the (bacon) lover in you. This jarrr… means I’ll always be true.*

Yep, that’s bacon flavored mayonnaise. Use it as a veggie/fry dip, spreadable sandwich sustenance, or like one fan says, “I would eat that with a spoon.” The website touts it as “… the ultimate bacon-flavored spread. Use it on sandwiches, salads, dips, sauces, chicken, fish, and fries. Vegetarian safe!” It’s apparently Kosher Certified, and vegetarians are happy. Any representatives from PETA wanna speak out? I know you’re out there…

I know most of you are thinking, “Bacon and mayo, that means I’ll just taste and see that it’s good, sweat gratuitous amounts of cholesterol, and pass out before my sugar laden Kool-Aid serving?” Apparently, Justin and Dave (the founders) have gotten it all worked out. Their lifelong dream is to make everything taste like bacon, and with salt and mayo already staples in plenty of households, I’d say their dream isn’t deferred. You can enjoy this bacony-mayo-ey delight with less calories than *gasp* the normal stuff!


Nutritional Facts

Regular Mayonnaise*

Regular Baconnaise

Lite Baconnaise

Total Calories per serving




Total Fat per serving (Daily Value %)

10g (15%)

9g (14%)

2.5g (5%)

Trans Fat (Daily Value %)

0g (0%)

0g (0%)

0g (0%)

Saturated Fat





0g (0%)

1g (0%)

1g (0%)

So, as Justin and Dave say, “Pick up some Baconnaise and give your cardiologist a break.” If you’re curious as to where to purchase such household staples, here’s the link to the store, which also sells products such as bacon flavored lip balm. Hmmm… I wonder (given I can keep it on from constantly licking it) if I use that on my next date, will that help me find a hubby quicker? I mean, future husband’s gotta like bacon, I suppose. Doesn’t everyone?

Yayy!! Comes in lite too, for you calorie-savvy folks.
Oh, the possibilities! Bacon-salted eggs, bacon-salted fries… I can’t contain myself!

By the way, if any of you have partaken of the Baconnaise (or it’s flavorful sister, Bacon Salt) please let me know how it is. I’m not gonna lie… it sounds interesting. If someone approves it for me, I’m game. 🙂


*Bonus points for those who get the song reference.

Subscribe. You know you wanna.

These are the Makings of Me.

I’ve been introducing myself for quite a while, huh? I figure in this blogosphere thingy, I may want to gradually do it. I don’t wanna scare anyone off, so I’ll let you take off your shoes one at a time, real slow-like. 🙂

With all of the Facebook- inspired notes out there that require you to advertise a borderline unhealthy amount of information about yourself, I found this one to have just the right amount of subtlety and imagination- Enjoy!

– Go to Google image search.
– Type in your answer to each question.
– Choose a picture
– Use this website http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/mosaic.php to make your collage.
– Save the image for use in this note.
– Tag the people whose mosaics you want to see.

1. What is your name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What is your hometown?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. What is your favorite movie?
6. What is your favorite drink?
7. What is your dream vacation?
8. What is your favorite dessert?
9. What is one word to describe yourself?
10. How are you feeling right now?
11. What do you love most in the world?
12. What do you want to be when you grow up?

And the answers- Most are pretty self- explanatory, but give it a shot!

Who would I like to tag, then? Well, if you happen to see this, I’d like to know more about you, so consider yourself tagged!

Until next time, Laters!


Subscribe. You know you wanna.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...