(Let’s Get) Physical: Products to Help Restore My Quality of Life

Relax. Just do it. *mumble mumble* Get through it. Wait… what? 

Hay, y’all. Hay.

Well, I’ve visited a doctor since I had a car accident about a week ago, and have realized my tendency to downplay my ailments and injuries probably isn’t the best practice. I’m still having some strain in my back and shoulders, and while thugging it out has its strong points (because thugs don’t take pills on a regular schedule!), I’ll need more than the meds that I (am not really) taking to get back to that 98 1/2% that I’m usually in. For me, that means expanding my worlds to new horizons.

I’ve been prescribed physical therapy, and I start today. The doctor describes it as a way for me to rebuild my muscles and learn to strengthen and condition them in case some other mess happens to me for my general well-being, but I’ve always seen it as a place where folks get all into my nooks and crannies while throwing medicine balls at me. I’ve watched WAY too much television in my time, but y’all already knew that, right?At this point, I’m willing to try anything once, because these back cramps are not what’s lukewarm in the boulevards. This brings me to the lesson of the day.

Until I’m back into the completely functional mess that I am, I’ll need the help of a few products to get me there. As you all know from previous posts, I’m a huge infomercial head. In this time of, well, I don’t know what to call everything that’s been coursing through my head these days, but in order to lighten my mood, I’ve decided on some products that you may have seen on TV to get me through:

1-The Gopher:
First off, it’s sold by Billy Mays. BILLY! MAYS! Based on the star power alone, I’d buy it. Although we miss him in the ad world (which I am not a part of), his memory lives on in spots such as this. Filled with gems such as “handy helper,” “squeeze and retrieve,” and “suction action,” Mays lives up to the title I gave him as the “hardest working man in infomercials.” Look at the Gopher in action: it can pick up a five pound can of sugar! Five pounds! I’d be able to do so much with that, without further inflaming my core. Plus, with my purchase I get another one, and a magna gopher! I’m in!
Sidenote: What’s the extra one for? In case you drop your regular one? Gopher my Gopher, Gopher! Okay, I’m done. On to the next one.

2- The Ready Reacher
I often drop things I can’t reach, voiceover lady. And, much like your (hopefully paid) actor, I will act like it’s the end of the world, also! I’ve got some wallslides for such occasions, but as I probably should hold off on sliding all willy nilly, the Ready Reacher may be a likely alternative, if I can’t get my three Gophers and a mule. Anthony Sullivan yells of the power of the “super sticky goo pad,” a phrase that I can’t mutter, yet alone yell, without giggling like a deranged kindergartener from Disney’s “Recess.” What this product has over the Gopher, I feel, is the stealth value. I won’t have to bedazzle it like the Gopher to match all of my good outfits, and it’s so tiny, I can slip it in my pocketbook until I’m good and darn ready to use it!

3- Easy Feet
One of the things I’ve been lamenting is how laborious it is for me to touch my toes. Before I try, I have to make a list of why I need to now as opposed to doing it later, and sometimes, I just send my toes a postcard that says, “hey, y’all. let’s catch up sometime!” With Easy Feet, I can catch up with them WAY more often, bringing balance and harmony back to my body. On the outside, it looks like that foot thing that comes with the Body Snake, but as enthusiastic announcer lady says, it’s SO much more! It cleans the top and bottom of feet, between your toes, and provides a rejuvenating massage. I believe in Easy Feet’s power to change the way I bathe. The shot at the end, with the lady in the super luxe bubble bath, scrubbling away with her Easy Feet, may have given me an asmertack. Hey, body. Let’s focus on one ailment at a time, please.

4- Pajama Jeans
This one’s been making its rounds for a while, so I’ll keep it short. I like comfort, but I also like to be ready to go at a moment’s notice. With all of the pain and  heartache that goes behind dressing once, belts, snaps, and all, I feel that pajama jeans are the most logical next step to alleviating it. They work on 4 out of 5 models (hey, isn’t that like the dentist bit? What happened to the fifth person– nutella?). I can wear them while using my Pedi Pistol and be fully enlightened as an infomercial extremist. Seriously speaking:  comfy material + stylish exterior = happy Beez. It’s not calculus.

Too bad I haven’t seen a Skymall catalog lately. I’m sure I could build a house from the comfort of my couch with something outta that.

I’ve been mighty appreciative of all the love sent my way, and though I realize the seriousness of an injury like this, I need this space to shed by brand of optimism on an otherwise quite sucky experience altogether. Thanks for laughing with (and at) me and my shenanigans time and time again, and now the question:

If any of your body parts were out of commission, and you had limited usage, what products could you use to regain daily function? 

Love y’all like Jamba Juice loves to smell like orange pith.

(not too hard–I’m sensitive!) Hugs and Sprinkles,
Beez

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