Observations: From the Outside Looking In

Welcome to the Monochromatic Circus. Weekends off (except during busy season).

I’m not in it for the money- I figured that out a long time ago.

But in this (almost) constant state of unemployededness, a word I just made up, I have to wonder: did I make the right choices? Am I still making them? Did I just eff up completely, with no chance for recovery? Why didn’t I get my $200 for passing GO? I’m after you Monocled Monopoly Man…

During a quick day trip to Chicago’s downtown during rush hour last week, I saw people. People in suits, running for cabs. People stopping to chat with acquaintances while waiting to cross busy intersections. A woman in a suit power walking in her flats, clutching a pair of Cole Haan pumps in one hand, a Blackberry in the other. I can only wonder what she’s discussing– continuing work though she’s left the office? Dinner reservations at an overpriced restaurant with mediocre offerings, that she dines at mostly for convenience? Plans with the girls for happy hour, possibly to discuss the latest happenings? Perhaps, she just wants to finally be home, where she can curl up with her dog and a nice book, and not worry about the tailored look for a few days.

Turning the corner, I saw people dressed in their Casual Friday best, sucking down lethal concoctions of Starbucks espresso combined with more sugar than one needs in a week, during the late hours of the afternoon. I wondered if that has any effect on their sleeping schedule. Do any of them have kids, or do they live the DINK (double income, no kids) way? Do they live a “Hakuna Matata” type of lifestyle, and not save for what could happen to their job security, believing, they’ll be forever “recession-proof?” Considering I don’t have much of any schedule myself, I couldn’t help but to wonder their secrets. I also wondered, once I became part of the employed world, if I would be able to mold myself into one of those said people- if I could change who I am for the purpose of being employed, or if I’d even need to. Can I be the definition of a diverse workplace? 🙂

Do (or did) they spend countless hours like me, poring through job announcements over job announcements? Have they ever been in a position like mine, where prayer for even the right direction, has become a constant? How do you lock yourself in a career, one that ultimately defines you, so soon? I think that though I am brave, I am fearful. Fearful of becoming something I’m not quite sure that I am. Fear to me equals being put into something definable. A label. Do I want to be “Beez, the accountant” or “Beez, the teacher” or “Beez, from HR”? Could I live with the consequences of packing everything that I own right now, and moving to a place I’ve never lived before, just to search for the answers to these questions?

My lease is up in a month and three days. I have no job, no real source of income, and a desire for all that I am destined to become. The hunger residing within me is often a source of encouragement and discouragement, all at the same time. Whatever happens next, I know it will be a supreme leap of faith. My life kind of depends on it. I liken myself to an autumn leaf- always moving, never quite sure of the final destination, but I play in the wind along the way, and hope that someone can find something to do with me once I get there. I am optimistic of the outcome, or perhaps of the possibility of attaining outcomes. I long to have choices. I long to have a purpose. I hope that once I get out there, that I don’t find out the bitter truth: that success, in that world, just may be defined by the price of the clothes you wear.


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