Me and Someday are breaking up. Why is that, you say? Because Someday is full of lies, and I’m pushing for more defined answers in my life.
How often do we see an old friend in passing, or give a quick phone call (or text, ugh) to someone, and you get a “we need to catch up over dinner/coffee/strong alcohol and snacks someday!” It sounds like an awesome offer, but I’m learning that more often than not, Someday never happens. Someday is a random placefiller, a social cue brought on perhaps with the intent of continuing the conversation. However, the lie of “busy-ness” often competes with the follow through of Someday, and Someday just doesn’t come.
I know I seem to blame a lot on our connected (but severely disconnected) states of being these days, but in my observations, I find it a little astounding and heartbreaking that we would rather let a million Somedays come and go before we actually use the phone button on those phones, call someone (no, not text), and set a plan to do something that requires you to be in the same place with them at the same time. All of the intent behind Somed
ay gets lost in the idea that you’ve got “too much” going on. We all do, but come on… We make things happen when we truly, sincerely want to. Busy is glorified. Busy is overrated. And that’s why I want to break up with Someday.
I’m over this idea that I *have* to be consistently busy. A few periods of extreme burnout have caused me to sat (yes, sat) all the way down. While sitting, I observed. Most of the time when Someday is mentioned, people have phones (often of the smarter persuasion) in hand. How hard is it to take another 40-60 seconds to synchronize your watches, set a time and place, and actually show up to it? When do we start treating people like people, and not time fillers you consult at the last minute? Why is this so difficult to do?
We’re so bad at maintaining relationships these days. I used to be excited at the prospect of Someday with certain people, but now if I have to bring it up a few too many times, I drop it. I refuse to treat an instance of a person I see on a semi-regular basis and want to see more of as a ship passing in the night that I can’t get ahold of. Sometimes, people show you exactly where you fit in their range of Someday. It’s my hope, though, that we get better at making Someday a reality, before you regret never having made that move.
To help get rid of the lies of Someday, and actually be better at being better, I’ve been working on the following:
1- Being more intentional with my words/ being a good communicator of my intent. If If there’s something practical that keeps me from solidifying a date, I’m upfront. Did we forget that people usually can be understanding if we’re forthcoming about difficulties? I have a friend that is good at letting me know when it’s not her pay week, so our plans may have to be reworked to when she has more available funds. I have a few jobs (including side hustles), so the little time I have available, I’d rather know sooner as opposed to later if I’ll be filling it with your presence. If I’m going to need to bounce early because I have a project to work on, I won’t wait until the appetizer hits to spring it on you. If I don’t think I’ll be able to come because I’m going to want to introvert and take a 2 hour bath or something, I’ll put it out there with another offer to hang.
2-Checking myself and my priorities. Do I have too many things on my plate? Am I over extended? Is this for a brief period or do I need to evaluate some of my commitments? Am I providing too much of myself to a person/situation/organization that does not give me an adequate roi (return on investment)? What am I really doing this for? If I make some changes, would this then allow room for this relationship to cultivate?
3- Making the thing happen. Along with the Someday lie, there are some that feel that making the arrangements is enough. Then, you have some people that are good at cancelling the day of, sometimes with mere hours to spare, with no regard for how this may have affected the other party’s day. Again, there is space to be reasonable- being sick, worn out, broke, or otherwise unable can be a good reason to cancel in favor of a more agreeable date, but when flaky patterns persist, I let the flakes fall to the side and keep it moving.
Let me be frank: the name of the game is consideration. Consider what another is giving up to spend time with you. Consider all of the other things a person could be doing in the world, yet they choose to be in your presence. At the very least, they would like a chance. I’m not saying that you must now fill your social calendar to the brim with coffee and farmer’s market trips (unless that’s your thing, then go nuts!), but if you are truly sincere in your wishes to spend time with a person, do this:
Say you want to do it. Suggest a date, time and place. Repeat until a mutually agreed upon selection is chosen. Put it in your phone. Show up, and be a good communicator if you can’t. Don’t let Someday stop you from being great.
Got it? Awesome. Now stop lying on Someday and make it happen.